Self-esteem comes from having the courage to tell your story.
Everyone has a story. Regardless of what our lives look like today, we have a history. For many of us, recalling certain times in our lives is painful. We’d rather forget our history. We’d rather put a lid on it. But in truth, it doesn’t go away. It simply lies in waiting until it is given permission to resurface again. And make no mistake about it, it will resurface. Until we truly make peace with our history, it never goes away. To heal, we must forgive ourselves but not forget the past.
Why do we want it to go away? Because we hope that out of sight means out of mind. Somehow we think if we aren’t living the experience today, it no longer exists. We are also afraid people will judge us or use our past against us. We may fear we’ll lose friends, family, and job opportunities. Another reason is we don’t want to feel the feelings that surface as we recall our past lives. Shame, self-loathing, guilt, disappointment, and betrayal are among the feelings we’d prefer to avoid. And sadly for some, we believe if we remember our past transgressions, we minimize the accomplishments we’ve given birth to since that time.
But the truth is that before we can truly get past the hurt of what came before, we must acknowledge and accept it. That requires a delicate balance between time and action. It has been proven that time by itself doesn’t erase the pain. Think about your own experience. Bring to mind someone—years ago—you didn’t like. Perhaps five, ten, or even twenty years have passed. When the thought of that person comes up or someone mentions his or her name, how does your gut feel? Unless you’ve done some serious work, it’s likely the pain is as strong as it was years ago.
But often action too quickly engaged doesn’t get us past the sting of our past either. Think of all the times you thought if you did everything right today, you’d feel better tomorrow. And you didn’t. Action coupled with a healthy dose of time is the magic combination.
It took me years to get to where I could openly and without shame tell my story. In brief, here is what it was like and what it’s like now:
- At fourteen, I was a heroin addict and a practicing alcoholic; today I’m forty-three years clean and sober.
- At eighteen, I was a high school dropout who lived homeless on the streets of New York; today I’m a graduate of Georgetown University Law Center and have my own home.
- At twenty-one, I lived a sordid life; today I’m a successful attorney and a traditionally published author.
- At twenty-six, I was hit by a car and told I’d never walk again; in my early forties, I ran two 26.2-mile marathons. Today I work out almost daily.
- At twenty-eight, I was the poster child for someone who is selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed; today, at sixty-nine, my life is about being of service to others.
Here are some steps I took that enabled me to get from being a victim to being the victor. My past no longer haunts once I became willing to honestly tell my story. Here is how it happened:
- I forgave myself for my past AND started to behave differently in my present.
- I stopped behaving the way I used to behave. The further I got from the old me, the easier it was to forgive myself.
- I recognized that I couldn’t change without help–lots of help. I asked for help and took the suggestions given. I found people who had the same or similar experiences AND who had actually changed, not just gave lip service.
- I kept a personal journal. There is something to be said for putting pen to paper.
- I started sharing my story and the more I shared, the less I felt controlled by my past.
- I listened to other people share their stories. Those stories gave me comfort and inspiration.
Telling your story is important for several reasons. There is power in truth-telling because first and foremost it’s cathartic. The very act of sharing our life stories with other people lessens our load, particularly if we feel burdened by our past. Sometimes it helps just to get the stuff out. Telling our stories helps us become free from our past. Over the years, as I’ve had the courage to share my story, my past has less control over me. I’m not so worried that my secret will be discovered, because it’s already out!
Here are some other benefits to telling your story:
- You no longer feel alone.
- You become a role model. You’ve walked out of the darkness into the light and can now help someone else do the same. I get tons of e-mails from men and women who’ve struggled with addiction, prostitution, getting through school, failing exams, letting go of destructive relationships, getting married late in life, going for a dream, or just walking through some of life’s big and little fears. Hearing my story helps them know anything can be overcome.
- You can see how far you’ve come. Sharing your story creates a re- minder of what happened, what it’s like now, and how you got here. This is important in a culture that only celebrates reaching the final destination, not the baby steps along the way. You get to remind yourself of how far you’ve come.
Everyone has a story. What’s yours? This week, you are invited to recount your life and explore the benefits, for yourself, of sharing your story.
Francine D. Ward
Attorney-At-Law, Author, Speaker
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