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Boundaries

by | May 13, 2025 | Esteemable Acts | 0 comments

Boundaries
How to set boundaries.

Boundaries are at the core of how you show up in your relationships. Most of us have been taught that to say “NO” is an act of selfishness.  As a result, many of us, especially women, have been afraid to set boundaries. Then, there are those of us who set boundaries but don’t protect them. Here’s something I learned the hard way. There is a causal connection between healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. And, one more thing, healthy relationships and boundaries must co-exist for self-esteem to thrive. Having the courage to establish personal boundaries and protect them is an Esteemable Act.

In the Family & Friends Worksheet, you are now invited to dig deeper into the Friends and Family section. You will find that the topic of boundaries is ongoing. Why? Because, again, setting and protecting boundaries are important to establishing healthy relationships and building genuine self-esteem. You may never list “Boundaries” as one of your annual goals, but they will always be at the core of how you show up in your relationships.

Boundaries Matter.

First, they demonstrate how much you love yourself. Then, how you value yourself is an indication of how people should and can treat you. Finally, when you protect your personal boundaries, you preserve your energy, protect your peace, and affirm your value.

Here are some ways boundary-setting might show up:

  • Declining to attend a gathering that feels emotionally unsafe.
    This can apply to a family event as well as a gathering of friends. Maybe the energy at that event is toxic. Maybe you know someone will cross a line (or has in the past), or you’ll feel pressure to perform a version of yourself that doesn’t feel authentic. Choosing to say, “I won’t be attending, but I hope it’s a great time,” is not about punishment—it’s about self-protection and honesty. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for choosing your mental and emotional well-being.

    Regarding work events, setting boundaries applies there, too. If you are required to attend a work party or reception, consider going at the very beginning and leaving early. I can assure you that by the end of the party most people won’t even know that you have left. Protecting your peace of mind is your responsibility.  
  • Asking for space when someone encroaches on your time.
    You’re not a machine. You’re allowed to pause and take a break when you see fit. Your mental health is your responsibility. Keeping that in mind, you have the right to remove yourself from toxic, overstimulated, unhealthy, and/or frenzied environments. When a friend texts five times a day expecting instant replies, or a family member calls during your work hours despite your requests not to call you during work hours, it’s okay to say, “I love you, and I need some space to focus and recharge,” or “Let’s check in on Saturday instead.” This isn’t a rejection, it’s an opportunity for you to manage your time effectively.
  • Asking to be removed from group texts, chats, and emails.
    First, it’s impolite for someone to add you to a group text or chat without your permission. It’s also ill-mannered of them to “cc” you on an email, because not everyone wants the world to have access to their emails. Putting someone in blind copy (bcc) is more respectful. Yet, how often have you seen your email in “cc”?

    Sometimes, you stay silent out of fear of being harshly judged. Indeed, judgement is a real possibility. Conversely, suppose you do ask not to be included or request removal?  There will be people who, nonetheless, disregard your request. At that moment, you’ll have a choice: to be liked by everyone for being the agreeable one who never causes conflict, or to be disappointed in yourself because once again you gave in to fear. Either way, there will be consequences. The question is—which one can you live with?
  • Turning off your phone at a certain time.
    There was a time (decades ago) when telephones were on the desk in your office or in your house. Those days are long gone.  Now, your device is tethered to you, wherever you go. As a result, you are on call 24 hours a day. That is the choice you make. We teach people how to treat us. If you allow people to call you at all hours of the day or night, you set the standard. If you allow it once, you will allow it again and again and again. People will then expect that of you. Then you will start to feel like a victim.

    It’s easy to see ourselves as victims and believe that we have no power over our lives. I get it; I used to be a woman who allowed my phone to ring at midnight and 2am. Ironically, I’d get mad because people didn’t respect my time. Why would they? I taught them how to treat me, how not to value my time. I had no boundaries. Today, unless I absolutely have something to do at night, my phone goes off by 5:30pm. That’s a choice I GET to make.
  • Setting limits on conversations.
    The conversation might be draining, boring, or enjoyable, but every event has an ending. Whether you are talking to a friend or a family member, you get to decide when it’s time to say goodbye. Some folks think it’s rude to cut off a conversation. Well, that’s a choice you make, do you want to say goodbye or be held hostage?  I set time limits on most everything, 30 minute phone calls, 1 hour lunches, 2 hour partes. Of course, there are exceptions when the conversation is extended, but I don’t let the exception become the rule. That’s a choice I GET to make. That’s how I protect my boundaries.
  • Allow people to be disappointed in you.
    One of the most difficult Esteemable Acts you can take is being okay with people not being okay with you. Every time we put ourselves first, someone is unhappy. When you choose YOU, your healing, your truth, your capacity, your peace, not everyone will understand. It’s not your job to manage their emotions 24/7. It’s your job to stay true to your values. Without question, people matter. And—so do you. I often am reminded of this when I fly. The flight attendant says, “If you are traveling with an infant, please put your oxygen mask on first and then help them.” If such a simple message applies to your children, why would you not apply it to adults in your life 

Protecting your boundaries isn’t meant to push people away. It’s meant to help you build genuine self-esteem. The kind that doesn’t come and go with the blink of an eye. When you practice Esteemable Acts, you communicate that you matter.

Monthly Reflection.

Bring to mind the last time you said “YES” when you really wanted to say “NO.” How did you feel? Did you say when you wanted to say no? What relationship is draining you instead of filling your cup? Boundaries are not walls. They’re bridges to healthier communication, rooted in respect.

This quarter, make boundary-setting a practice. Let it be gentle, but let it be firm. And most importantly—don’t feel guilty for protecting your wellbeing.

As you reflect, revisit Family & Friends blog and the Family & Friends Worksheet. Let these examples spark your own ideas for boundaries you need to set this month.

Family & Friends Worksheet

And if you want more support around navigating tough conversations, building confidence, and staying grounded in self-worth, my book Esteemable Acts is here to walk the journey with you.

Francine D. Ward
Attorney-at-Law, Author, Speaker

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